Diary, Dairy, aiyah...just a convenience store lah :p

A couple of weeks ago, Kimono sent me a link to a writeup on Krishnan's Dairy. Upon first look, like many others, I thought we were going to watch the life and love of Krishnan thru his diary entries. Then Kimono corrected me...it's dairy, you know, milk? Dairy..So I went huh? You mean we are going to watch Krishnan and his milk? Haha...:p

Anyway, we booked the tics and arranged to go for it. I picked her up on Sat, and we went down an hour earlier to Old Parliament House to collect our tics and have lunch. We had a lot of trouble finding parking lots - and all of the lots are so damn expensive 8- Finally, after seeking the "advice" of our tic seller as to where the cheapest parking may be, I shifted the car to the Parliament House's carpark. Well...that was a bad decision. First, we ended up paying a whooping $8 just for the 2-3 hrs we were there, and I scratched the car while reversing. Fortunately, we managed to clean off the paint at Fort Canning after that...but I felt bad that Kimono had to clean it with me and in turn got bitten by the blood thirsty mosquitoes :(

Anyhow, back to the play. In between the time when we were "chopped" by the carpark and I scratched my car, we had a great time watching Krishnan's Dairy. Nope, so it was not about Krishnan and his milk. Neither was it about him and his dark diary entries >:) It was a play about the simple life and love of Gobi and Zeena Krishnan - a matchmade couple in India, who migrated to NZ to open a dairy (convenience store). It portrayed their struggles to stay afloat as mega supermarts sprung up all over the place. It was a one-man show, with an angmoh accompanion guitarist (whom we suspect is one of the producers himself..hehe). The play was heartwarming and captivating - the ending was not too abrupt or sad either. The only pity was that not many people turned up for the play. Maybe it was due to the fact that most people went during the opening, which was a week ago. Or maybe not many Sgporeans can appreciate such plays. Nonetheless, we had a good time, peopleless or not ;)

To Him - who died for us on this very day

I teared in church today - upon seeing a video clip during a song on how He beared our sins and died for us on the Cross. If a "foreign stranger" (in many old grannies words) has so much love for us to put Himself thru torture and pain to save zillions of people after his time, how can the love of His people in this world become so tainted?

To commerate our Christ who suffered:

-God Will Make A Way-

God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me

He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength
For each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way

By a roadside in the wilderness
He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
He will do something new today

Hunger Pangs

It's been a real busy Monday. Nope, I did not suffer from any blues..but I guess that's coz I'm too busy to get affected by the blues :p I finally completed a BIG task today, and on top of that, enhancement of Project B went well. Now that I can finally sit down for a rest, I feel hunger kicking in. I'm not going to spoil my appetite by snacking though, since Kimino will be here in approximately...(*looks at clock) 10min.

While I'm waiting, maybe I can give you a review of the movie I caught over the weekend. I saw Closer on Sat night. It was a disturbing movie, be in at the start, or in the end. Julia Roberts is a woman who loves to have guilty sex (i.e. have sex with whoever she's not officially involved with in a r/s). Jude Law is a Mummy's boy who scoots off at the sight of a younger and fresher face - but I guess he got tired of younger gfs and became mesmerised by an older woman - Julia Roberts. Natalie Portman, another big name, is a young girl who has travelled from New York to Britain - to escape from her failed r/s - just to get into another one with Jude Law almost immediately after she touched down. This movie is about betrayal, love, deceit, self-delusions, selfishness, revenge and self-deception. Amongst the scandalous cast, Natalie Portman can be hailed the most pure in her love for Jude Law. Both Kimono and myself can't quite agree with the characters after the movie. Blossom told her that it could be because of our age, but I still think that it has got to do with one's moral values :p

*Phone rings..alright, Kimono's here..chat with you soon ;) Real soon.

My porky earhole and a success story

Ok...I admit, I am a very obliging person. Esp towards my family and loved one. I got a second porky from the request of my Mum. The stud was too tight, and the foreign body caused an infection. Soon, my porky became red and swollen. When I took it out yesterday, part of my inner flesh came out with it - it was mother Mary and bloody hell right at that moment (which wasn't too long but seems like an eternity while my ear burnt).

Anyhow, I swabbed plenty of antiseptic on it and stuck an earstick in, which caused sufficient bleeding to look like i have a whole new red stud ;)

Next up...a success story that I am so proud of. Engine beta is fresh out from the stove. After much modifications and frustration over the scripts, I finally completed the engine to satisfy my "customer" - which is my forgetful boss in this context. Engine beta is capable of doing what my "customer" wants and more. With my newly acquired skills (gained thru the tedious hours of troubleshooting and googling), I believe I am now in a better position to enhance my engine further and code the logic together with Kimono on our Project B.

To pay off my hard work in a small way, Kimono and I managed to squeeze in a date today :p Something different and out of our normal practice - we went late night shopping at Mustafa's, had supper, then drove around a bit to take in the Sg nightlife.

Now remind me again why I'm not positively-inclined towards Indians. Oh yah...maybe it's coz they answer totally out of context when you ask them a question? Or is it that they are simply too lazy to point you in the right direction? Could it be that they are in actual fact not as GAY as they seemed - but rather tries to impatiently bump into anyone and everything with nice big boobies? Well, I say it's a combination and addition of ALL of the above.

Anyway...it was a good date (since when do I not have good dates with Kimono? :-*) Which can of coz be better without the Indians ;)

The haunting sound of a song

Has a song been stuck in your head for what seems like eternity? Well, I happened to have that experience with two songs lately...
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Misunderstood - Robbie Williams

Trying to be misunderstood
But it doesn't do me any good
love the way they smiled at me
held their face for eternity
Now let them all fly off

When it comes down it all comes down
And you will not be found
When it's over it's all over
Even if I make a sound

I'll be misunderstood
By the beautiful and good in this city
None of it was planned
Take me by the hand
Just don't try and understand

Trying to be misunderstood
Just a product of my childhood
Still I find myself outside
You can't say I haven't tried
Perhaps I tried too hard

No excuses, I won't apologise
Or justify your lies
Come find me, tell them to me
Look me in the eyes

I'll be misunderstood
By the beautiful and good in this city
None of this was planned
Take me by the hand
Just don't try and understand

Can't forgive, sorry to say
You don't know you're guilty anyway
Isn't it funny how we don't speak
The language of love?
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Don't break my Heart - (anonymous)

Don't break my heart
Cos if you do
I'll cry forever
............
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Ok, I'm at my wit's end for the latter. Google failed me. Toni Braxton, Aliyah, Aungun..none of the possible singers can claim credit to this song. The tune is so haunting though - the singer's voice is resounding in my head as I type the lyrics...

End of a dream, start of a day

I had a dream last night. One in which I was either an illusionist or a wizard. And a good one too :) In the dream, I have a girlfriend with long hair (I really can't remember her face, only that she is petite), and I was rich - rich enough to not work. Somehow, I got bored, and I started an affair with a girl with short hair.

Not long after (how long can it be in a dream??!), my girlfriend discovered my affair, and left me. I turned my adulteress into a miniature mobile figurine, or rather Thumbelina. I kept her by my side, while I worked. I remembered feeling empty, lost and guilt-strickened in my dream. I wanted my girlfriend back very badly. I missed her like there was no tomorrow.

So one fine day (how many days can it be in a dream??!!), I went to look for her. I knelt down and asked for her forgiveness, and suddenly, I took a ring out of thin air and slide it onto her finger. The weird thing is, the ring is old and tarnished - something which has lost it's lustre eons ago. Nevertheless, my girlfriend was extremely happy and accepted my request for forgiveness-cum-proposal. The dream then ended. The ending of the dream left me feeling weird, almost to the point of bewilderment. Anyhow, it was time for work, and I am no filthy rich wizard or dream-interpreter in reality. Hence, that's how the start of a tiring work day began.

Bittersweet

"Should we not be able to spend our lives together, we shall die on the same day. Eternity shall be my witness, till death do us part."

Love is a strange thing. Intangible, illusive, overwhelming. It is the root of the greatest achivement yet the source of the darkest hatred. It is the driving force to achieve the impossible and the motivation to destroy. It is an oxymoron. It makes while it lasts, it wrecks when it leaves.

Love makes people commit the same mistake they swore not to just yesterday. It makes people go weak in their knees and live life satisfying their lover's goal - instead of their common goal. Not many people realise that love is about sharing, sacrifacing, and mutual respect. Not so long ago, a friend of mine held on to this belief: "I love you, thus I can't let you go, even if you were miserably trapped like a bird in a cage." She was blind to the fact that her partner was writhing in pain, withering in distaste and chained by guilt. She did not know the meaning of sacriface. She did not realise that loving someone means that you will do your best to bring happiness to his/her life.

Someone dear to Kimono, was not spared the pain of losing Cupid's arrow too - right after it was shot. She seems to be a pawn of Fate. Someone who could not rid the shadow of people who did not know the meaning of love. Someone who wished on someone else's star. Her pain, her tears, and her unrequited sacriface towards the other party, goes to show that this star will never love her enough to become her falling star in return.

It is not easy to find a sole shining star for ourselves in the average homosapien lifespan of 80 years. However, if we do find it, treasure it. Live each day like it's your best, like it's your last. It's not everyday that your love is reciprocrated. Most importantly, it's not everyday that your star becomes the star that falls for you in return.

Her

--- Rest in peace ---

I was waiting for you at Starbucks, you were late as usual. When you appeared, you gave me a watch. I rejected it, since you have no sense of time, you should be buying yourself a watch. You threw a tantrum, and stormed away. I wanted to pull you back and appease you, when I spotted her. She looked lost, just like when she was covered in blood, recognising me for the first time, in a long while.

Flashbacks. I see our happy times, times when I fought with her, for her. Times when we were pursued, when we were in danger. Times when she was hurt, the very time when I lost her. She went into the train station, I jumped over the gantry. She went into the train, I followed suit, like a moth to fire. She sat down, and I sat across her. She knew that I was staring at her, and when she looked at me, I looked away. My heart was pounding, could that be her?

She alighted, I followed closely behind. I see her entering a nursery. I loitered outside, not knowing if I should go in. After all, I am a dark angel. Curiosity and heartache plagued me. I opened the gate with a heavy heart. I walked the path she took, and arrived at a glass window. I see her dancing with little children, singing them nusery rhymes, just like an angel - my angel. She saw me, and gave some instructions, before coming out to face me, for the very first time. It felt weird looking at someone I used to love so much and have lost. She spoke to me in Taiwanese, I stuttered, and spoke in broken sentences. She laughed, and told me to speak in Cantonese. I told her that she resembles a dear friend of mine. I could see that she was amused, not wanting to believe me. I persisted, telling her I would like to be her friend, and extending my hand for an introduction. She smiled, drawn by my focused and mysterious air.

While we are having coffee at Starbucks, I saw her engagement ring. I asked her about it, she smiled and brushed it away. I showed her her picture, and she was surprised at the resemblance. I touched her picture with sadness, overflowing with emotions. She asked if she was my wife, and I told her that we were planning to spend our lives together. We talked till we forgot the time, and she realised she had to make a move, and I gave her a ride. That was when you spotted us. You approached her and had a talk with her. You told her that it was fate that brought us together, and fate that's tearing us apart now. You told her that I could never get her out of my head, and that even in my dreams, I call out her name.

The next day, you left. She called me and we met. She told me she will be getting married, and that she does not wish to give it up...for our fairy tale. As she walked away, I held on to her arm. I held her in my arms, feeling her breath against my chest for the first time. As we pulled apart, I pushed her hair away from her face to kiss her. She pulled away, apologising that she's not able to do it. I watched her as she walked away, into the crowd. She turned back once, and looked longingly at me. I had tears in my eyes, not wanting her to go. Just as I held her in my arms once so long ago, shaking her lifeless and blood-strickened body, crying into her hair, begging for her to come back.

With her fading into the crowd, I swallowed my tears. Hoping, just hoping that someday fate will allow us to meet again.

The overstated rest

There's much hype about the Lunar New Year. I see people rushing to buy new clothes for the big day like it's their wedding. I hear my mum screaming at me to clean up my room and the glass panes. Night markets are selling festive items ranging from $1 red packets to $10000 vintage Rolex and Omega (to which I cldn't take my eyes off =P~). My parents are working their arses off to welcome in the New Lunar Year. In response to all these, I give a tired yawn. I have not had a proper break since the middle of Jan. Migrate this, research that. All I need now is a good 5 days rest, and not a good 5 days of entertaining, putting on smiles to strangely familiar faces that I see only once a year, and gorging myself to death because my Mum needs to clean out the goodies before they turn bad.

My colleague and I were mistaken for outsiders on our way to a big shots meeting. Little wonder to that since this is the first time we are brought to the meeting by our boss. Our technical expertise saved his arse when he was bombarded countless times. In the midst of the meeting, someone brought in a packet of sweet meat. It was a Lunar New Year gift by one of the diminutive vendors. I had to decline since I was recovering from the 10 course pre-reunion lunch. I have to applaude the organisers for coming up with such an ingenious way of celebrating the Lunar New Year. But really, don't they think that a 10 course lunch is simply too much for anyone on a lazy Wednesday afternoon?

I anticipate that after the so-called 5 days Lunar New Year rest, my limbs, face and stomach will need serious recupuration and detox :p

Bumpy start, chirpy end

At the end of last week, I was in a state of despair. My biological clock went berserk coz I was working while I was supposed to be sleeping. The weather forecast didn't look too good at the start of this week either. Dark, stormy..well, almost hopeless.

I must have been kissed by an angel yesterday. The fw console suddenly came up and my rules were added. Voila! What cldn't work was completely resolved. In short, my design came thru - in an unorthodox way, with a few tweaks :p

I must have been kissed by lady luck today. I completed a test app which I had no idea of how and where to start scripting just two days ago. So far, things have been progressing from bad to better. Oh, and I won't have to work tonight. Isn't this wonderful? ;) Let's just cross our fingers and toes that the works will go fine tml so that I can go home to sleep and have a decent dinner.

Red eyes red

I am reliving my uni days again. The horror of my FYP year is beginning to unfold itself on me. Work of late has been stressful. Since the design was mine, I have to claim ownership to the failures as well. Fatigue plagued me as I work - to solve the issues, to argue the solutions out with my colleagues and useless Indian vendor tech support. I am reciting my routing table even as I fall asleep (talk about new age sheep counting).

Kumar mentioned that Indians smell, I had a first-hand whiff while I was watching Elektra with Kimono. Other than smelling bad, they also have serious problems comprehending the words "emergency" and "immediate solution". They seemed to think that in times of emergency, i would be able to sift out the relevant solution I want from the thick white papers they throw at me. Worse, they ask me for sensitive and irrelevant data files. I can almost faint when I pick up the phone and hear the all too familiar Indian accent or open my email to see an Indian vendor signing off.

Nevertheless, I push on. I know I am not alone in fighting this battle. At least for every 4am migration I carry out, there's a 4am boom boom room to offset it. I am escaping into my paperwork at the moment, hoping that the issues will resolve bit by bit, boulder by boulder. I know, I know...once the fw rules are up, it's time for me to work again. At least I have a clear direction now. At least I know if my design fails, it will be another lesson learnt - a valuable one.

The ghosts of yesterday

Thrilled by a short visit to the Changi Chapel/Musuem, I was aching to bring Kimono there. We took a trip down on Sat - upon reaching the place at 7pm, we realised that it was closed. Nevertheless, we saw the chapel behind bars (literally, since it was closed) :p A proud bomb-shell cross stands in the middle of the chapel. Wreaths and flowers peppered the walls.

The musuem showcases a large number of caricatures, photographs and murals. They were the works of the American and Australian POWs who resided there during WWII. One particular mural sketched by a POW caught my attention. It was titled: "2 malaria with a cholera" - it was a picture of 2 POWs who contracted malaria, and cld hardly walk themselves, supporting a fellow cholera-strickened POW back to the bunk. The living conditions were very harsh, the POWs were not given proper meals and medication, and were made to work even when they were sick. As a result, thousands of them died before they can witness the end of war.

Tools, trinklets and make-shift clothings/shoes from those days were on display. Small notes left behind by the loved ones of the POWs, or even the POWs themselves were thumb-tacked to the walls. An adjacent room had 5 wonderful colored murals painted on it's walls. It was a chapel back then. These murals were an offering from one of the POW who survived malaria. He was quoted as saying that the beautiful hymns he heard while he was fighting malaria brought him back to life. To thank God, and the church that nursed him back to life, he stole paint from billard chalks and the shipyard to start work on his murals. He was too weak to paint - he had to have a fellow POW support him, and took a rest for every 15min that he painted.

Beautiful and sad stories were reminisced by the photographs and articles. Dark humour exude from the caricatures, showing us that even in the dimmest point of one's life, there sld always be a ray of hope and a time for humour :) Due to the time constriant, I did not have time to complete every display while I was there. I hope to go back soon to have a second tour again ;)

Think Tank

What's with the English language in Singapore? Have people become so used to using Singlish that when I type in proper English, they start to misinterpret me? Maybe it's my fat fingers that did the walking. Or that I am just grouchy, I have almost wasted my whole off day on sleep, less off the time I brought my mum to the doc, packing my wardrobe, partitioning my PC and having a not-so pleasant dinner with friends.

Why do girls expect so much out of their friendship with me? Why do they scream their heads off at me when I am late? Why do they mind if I were to be a lil insensitive towards them? Does it mean that I am different therefore I should be more sensitive and make up for what their boyfriends or to-be boyfriends are not? I honestly don't see what the big fuss is about. Almost a decade ago, I lost a friend who claimed that I wasn't acting like how a friend should act. I retorted, asking why she was acting like a jealous girlfriend. Big mistake. She released a string of expletives at me before slamming the phone down on me. Since then, I have never heard from her. A decade later, in the month of Dec, I ran into her at an escalator. She's now a proud and practicing lawyer (now, that explains the expletives). Anyhow, we kissed (figuratively, not literally) and made up. In fact, we did not even mention anything unpleasant that happened in our yesteryears. We simply caught up like long-lost old friends. Somehow, underlying things have changed. What has? Well, we certainly have lost our innocence to time. She practicises law, cynicism, and patronism. =P I guess the lure of the great greenbacks in the legal world has caused her to slog like a cow. Not exactly a money-grubber, but definitely proud of the fact that she's in a league of her own. We exchanged contacts, and as usual, promised to catch up.

I do not wish to perform expletives-exchange sessions with my lady friends anymore. The best that I can give to them is to be a good friend, i.e. a friend in need. Do not ask for more, coz I love myself too much. No more "acting like jealous girlfriends" please. We are no longer sweet 16. And we may not have a decade to wait to patch up again.

The belated mourning of my death

It is widely acknowledged that humans err, and seldom learn from their mistakes. I had a blog started in the name of love, for me, some time last year by my ex gf. The blog depicts many of the downs in the r/s. The blog reeked of darkness, soreness, and bitterness. Maintained by a girl who was haunted by the past, and now, the past again. Someone who did not know how to love a person solely. Someone who cld live two lives loving two ppl. I was informed that it officially closed today. It was a tribute to me. And this was the last entry:
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1.9.2005 // My last entry in your memory Posted at 1:13 AM

For the first time, i wore the necklace you got me from Xcessories. Shiny and glitzy, for me during my hippy period. A present i got when i came back from Shanghai.. When the shadow was only just beginning to cast upon us; only God knows what would was laid out in the next mths to follow til this moment. It laid in my accessories box for ever since. Has it been 7mths now? I probably played with it but never could find myself wearing it out. It just looked more comfortable away from sight. I didn't want to be reminded of you. I haven't seen you ever since i don't know how long. I don't really want to recollect the events, they still feel fresh. I just know it's been quite a while now. Sometimes i really wonder how you have been. But i'm glad i don't know.. I want to know, yet at the same time i think that i'm afraid to know. I'm afraid to know what you might say. I'm afraid of you. I'm just very afraid. I've already given up asking all the whys & hows. I don't want to seek an explanation or even talk things through. I can't bear to hear anymore about what you have to say especially how bad you think about me. It's too painful to know so i rather just leave it at that. Although sometimes i can't help but wonder what would have been. Still, like i always believe.. Everything happens for a reason. It may not be clear but some day, i believe i'll know what it is, i hope. I'm just sure that in these months that what have been apart, there were things we managed to do & accomplished that might not have been possible had we still been together. It's good & bad i guess.. I guess we just very much a couple in love, in our very own world. Occasionally i would see a person who resembles you & all a sudden, it would feel like my heart stops beating & i feel short of breath. Then as suddenly as it happend, starts thrombing down on me like an earthquake. I'm excited yet really fearful at the same time.. I'm happy to see you yet really afraid of how you would react towards me at the same time; or that you would even see me there. And you do know that, at some angles many guys do resemble you.. So i can these scares on quite a regular basis. Though i must say that to date, i'm still not numb towards them. I started this blog when i was still with you & i just feel that it's time i ended this blog along with this name that i wouldn't use to sign off any of my paintings ever again. Not that i've painted since then. The memory cues that they bring back are just too clear for comfort. What better way to end off this blog but a tribute to you? To someone, to a familiar stranger.. Someone who was dear, Someone who was near. Now, someone who only brings about fear. A unexpected acquaintance. Led to unpredicted confidence. A chance meeting. A shy greeting. A surprising beginning. A shocking ending. So immense and deep. Thus, the plunge was steep. My sole lover. My dear friend. Together, like beavers. For each other, we would defend. My IT support. When my lack of knowledge confuses & distorts. Your intellect. Many ways, we interact. Many conflicts. Clearly depicts. Still we persists. Without, we resist. You were all that i knew. Outside of you, i knew few. The initial loss. Left me drown in moss. I was left disabled. How was i to single-handedly enable? I was left handicapped. What help could i have tapped. Beside me while i painted. Beside me while i slept. Beside me while i cried. Beside me while i wept. I could go on writing but i think i'll stop here. I've got to stop somewhere. I don't want to recap further. I don't want to speak anymore.. Sometimes, just sometimes.. I really do miss you. Wherever you are, and whatever you are doing. I hope you are well.. I wish you all the best. With this, i bid this blog farewell. It's time to close the curtains.
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I am thankful for this defunct r/s. Coz it reiterate the meaning of real love and sacriface. It showed me that ppl can live in deception just to make themselves feel alright for being the devil. It showed me that it's not easy finding someone who can commit to me, stand up for me, in the face of adversity. However, there is always a rainbow after the thunderstorm. I have found my rainbow. Though we have not been together for what most ppl wld call a long time, and we are not the closest and stickest of couples, we have found our niche with one another. It has been a wonderful and joyous journey. I am thanking my lucky stars now ;)

New Blue Year

I have always wanted a perfect world for myself. Peaceful, prosperous, and the ability to grow old with my loved one. Blue told Wesley that she would have to leave him coz she dun wanna see another of her loved one die before her. I think this is unanimous with most human beings. I would not want to see my loved one die before me. I would want to grow old and die with her. If not, to die before her.

In light of the tsunami catastrophe, even the most hateful things in life become minute. My heart goes out to them. Esp after seeing how survivors lose their sanity as they witness their homeland, family members and livelihood get devastated over a day. If I were them, I don't know if I would have the strength to carry on living. I guess they do not have a choice either. After all, most people resign to their fates. One fishing village in Thai is termed the "widow village", as most of their husbands are killed at work. What will then become of them? How are they going to earn their keep? Will they survive the impending wave of epidemic and cholera? Will they turn sex workers or beggars just so to stay alive? Then again, after experiencing such a horrendous event, anyone would become numb. I don't think that the repute of their occupation would come into question. No wonder the reporters say that the victims are luckier than the survivors.

I emphatise with the survivors, wishing that such a day will never, ever, befall me. When I see the hurt or hear the wails of the survivors, my selfishness, jealousy, envy, greed will dissolve into nothingness. How long can this godliness last in me, in humanity, before life goes back to normal, and the terrorism of reality hits us again? I believe, time will heal all hurt, seal all wounds. Just as it was with 9-11, we will mourn the loss, cry our tears - but the planets will still revolve around the Sun without fail. I will grow a year older, and still be prone to calamity as it is with any fellow earthlings.

Happy birthday, earth. I just hope for a smoother, and better year for myself, and my loved ones. Nothing more, nothing less.

Insecure

Insecuity - Lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety (dictionary.com)

It is a feeling one gets when threatened. When a lion becomes territorial towards his feed and wife. Even the richest and the prettiest will become insecure one day. Once, I belonged to one half of a perfect couple. Well, at least ppl touted us as perfect. She was threatened, I was threatened. Our King and Queen positions falter and crumble with every bit of jealousy and distrust driven into us. A dear friend once said: "If you really trust her, you shouldn't even be asking if you DO trust her". Good one I say. Sad to say, she lost my trust the very day she chose to revel in selfishness, at my expense, leaving me in darkness. I swore never, ever, to land myself in such a situation again.

I thrive on cynicism. I look deep into and play with human emotions, predicting my own end. When I tire myself, I sit and postulate what kinda scenario his/her actions can lead to. Some ppl say genuises are a fortunate bunch. I beg to differ. Geniuses are made lonely. Their brains never rest. Their dreams become inspirations to profound truth. Their partners leave them. Zilch.

Where then, can an average Joe with a slightly above average IQ like myself fit in? I am still trying to. And boy - am I aceing it all. By suffocating myself with one of the most stringent occupation in town. What did my physics teacher teach about going against the flow back in sch? Friction will eventually wear you out.

I'm tired. I'm spent. Maybe I need sleep. After all, it won't help to keep thinking about my predicament.