It is widely acknowledged that humans err, and seldom learn from their mistakes. I had a blog started in the name of love, for me, some time last year by my ex gf. The blog depicts many of the downs in the r/s. The blog reeked of darkness, soreness, and bitterness. Maintained by a girl who was haunted by the past, and now, the past again. Someone who did not know how to love a person solely. Someone who cld live two lives loving two ppl. I was informed that it officially closed today. It was a tribute to me. And this was the last entry:
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1.9.2005 // My last entry in your memory Posted at 1:13 AM
For the first time, i wore the necklace you got me from Xcessories. Shiny and glitzy, for me during my hippy period. A present i got when i came back from Shanghai.. When the shadow was only just beginning to cast upon us; only God knows what would was laid out in the next mths to follow til this moment. It laid in my accessories box for ever since. Has it been 7mths now? I probably played with it but never could find myself wearing it out. It just looked more comfortable away from sight. I didn't want to be reminded of you. I haven't seen you ever since i don't know how long. I don't really want to recollect the events, they still feel fresh. I just know it's been quite a while now. Sometimes i really wonder how you have been. But i'm glad i don't know.. I want to know, yet at the same time i think that i'm afraid to know. I'm afraid to know what you might say. I'm afraid of you. I'm just very afraid. I've already given up asking all the whys & hows. I don't want to seek an explanation or even talk things through. I can't bear to hear anymore about what you have to say especially how bad you think about me. It's too painful to know so i rather just leave it at that. Although sometimes i can't help but wonder what would have been. Still, like i always believe.. Everything happens for a reason. It may not be clear but some day, i believe i'll know what it is, i hope. I'm just sure that in these months that what have been apart, there were things we managed to do & accomplished that might not have been possible had we still been together. It's good & bad i guess.. I guess we just very much a couple in love, in our very own world. Occasionally i would see a person who resembles you & all a sudden, it would feel like my heart stops beating & i feel short of breath. Then as suddenly as it happend, starts thrombing down on me like an earthquake. I'm excited yet really fearful at the same time.. I'm happy to see you yet really afraid of how you would react towards me at the same time; or that you would even see me there. And you do know that, at some angles many guys do resemble you.. So i can these scares on quite a regular basis. Though i must say that to date, i'm still not numb towards them. I started this blog when i was still with you & i just feel that it's time i ended this blog along with this name that i wouldn't use to sign off any of my paintings ever again. Not that i've painted since then. The memory cues that they bring back are just too clear for comfort. What better way to end off this blog but a tribute to you? To someone, to a familiar stranger.. Someone who was dear, Someone who was near. Now, someone who only brings about fear. A unexpected acquaintance. Led to unpredicted confidence. A chance meeting. A shy greeting. A surprising beginning. A shocking ending. So immense and deep. Thus, the plunge was steep. My sole lover. My dear friend. Together, like beavers. For each other, we would defend. My IT support. When my lack of knowledge confuses & distorts. Your intellect. Many ways, we interact. Many conflicts. Clearly depicts. Still we persists. Without, we resist. You were all that i knew. Outside of you, i knew few. The initial loss. Left me drown in moss. I was left disabled. How was i to single-handedly enable? I was left handicapped. What help could i have tapped. Beside me while i painted. Beside me while i slept. Beside me while i cried. Beside me while i wept. I could go on writing but i think i'll stop here. I've got to stop somewhere. I don't want to recap further. I don't want to speak anymore.. Sometimes, just sometimes.. I really do miss you. Wherever you are, and whatever you are doing. I hope you are well.. I wish you all the best. With this, i bid this blog farewell. It's time to close the curtains.
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I am thankful for this defunct r/s. Coz it reiterate the meaning of real love and sacriface. It showed me that ppl can live in deception just to make themselves feel alright for being the devil. It showed me that it's not easy finding someone who can commit to me, stand up for me, in the face of adversity. However, there is always a rainbow after the thunderstorm. I have found my rainbow. Though we have not been together for what most ppl wld call a long time, and we are not the closest and stickest of couples, we have found our niche with one another. It has been a wonderful and joyous journey. I am thanking my lucky stars now ;)
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