At the end of last week, I was in a state of despair. My biological clock went berserk coz I was working while I was supposed to be sleeping. The weather forecast didn't look too good at the start of this week either. Dark, stormy..well, almost hopeless.
I must have been kissed by an angel yesterday. The fw console suddenly came up and my rules were added. Voila! What cldn't work was completely resolved. In short, my design came thru - in an unorthodox way, with a few tweaks :p
I must have been kissed by lady luck today. I completed a test app which I had no idea of how and where to start scripting just two days ago. So far, things have been progressing from bad to better. Oh, and I won't have to work tonight. Isn't this wonderful? ;) Let's just cross our fingers and toes that the works will go fine tml so that I can go home to sleep and have a decent dinner.
Friday, January 28, 2005
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Red eyes red
I am reliving my uni days again. The horror of my FYP year is beginning to unfold itself on me. Work of late has been stressful. Since the design was mine, I have to claim ownership to the failures as well. Fatigue plagued me as I work - to solve the issues, to argue the solutions out with my colleagues and useless Indian vendor tech support. I am reciting my routing table even as I fall asleep (talk about new age sheep counting).
Kumar mentioned that Indians smell, I had a first-hand whiff while I was watching Elektra with Kimono. Other than smelling bad, they also have serious problems comprehending the words "emergency" and "immediate solution". They seemed to think that in times of emergency, i would be able to sift out the relevant solution I want from the thick white papers they throw at me. Worse, they ask me for sensitive and irrelevant data files. I can almost faint when I pick up the phone and hear the all too familiar Indian accent or open my email to see an Indian vendor signing off.
Nevertheless, I push on. I know I am not alone in fighting this battle. At least for every 4am migration I carry out, there's a 4am boom boom room to offset it. I am escaping into my paperwork at the moment, hoping that the issues will resolve bit by bit, boulder by boulder. I know, I know...once the fw rules are up, it's time for me to work again. At least I have a clear direction now. At least I know if my design fails, it will be another lesson learnt - a valuable one.
Kumar mentioned that Indians smell, I had a first-hand whiff while I was watching Elektra with Kimono. Other than smelling bad, they also have serious problems comprehending the words "emergency" and "immediate solution". They seemed to think that in times of emergency, i would be able to sift out the relevant solution I want from the thick white papers they throw at me. Worse, they ask me for sensitive and irrelevant data files. I can almost faint when I pick up the phone and hear the all too familiar Indian accent or open my email to see an Indian vendor signing off.
Nevertheless, I push on. I know I am not alone in fighting this battle. At least for every 4am migration I carry out, there's a 4am boom boom room to offset it. I am escaping into my paperwork at the moment, hoping that the issues will resolve bit by bit, boulder by boulder. I know, I know...once the fw rules are up, it's time for me to work again. At least I have a clear direction now. At least I know if my design fails, it will be another lesson learnt - a valuable one.
Monday, January 17, 2005
The ghosts of yesterday
Thrilled by a short visit to the Changi Chapel/Musuem, I was aching to bring Kimono there. We took a trip down on Sat - upon reaching the place at 7pm, we realised that it was closed. Nevertheless, we saw the chapel behind bars (literally, since it was closed) :p A proud bomb-shell cross stands in the middle of the chapel. Wreaths and flowers peppered the walls.
The musuem showcases a large number of caricatures, photographs and murals. They were the works of the American and Australian POWs who resided there during WWII. One particular mural sketched by a POW caught my attention. It was titled: "2 malaria with a cholera" - it was a picture of 2 POWs who contracted malaria, and cld hardly walk themselves, supporting a fellow cholera-strickened POW back to the bunk. The living conditions were very harsh, the POWs were not given proper meals and medication, and were made to work even when they were sick. As a result, thousands of them died before they can witness the end of war.
Tools, trinklets and make-shift clothings/shoes from those days were on display. Small notes left behind by the loved ones of the POWs, or even the POWs themselves were thumb-tacked to the walls. An adjacent room had 5 wonderful colored murals painted on it's walls. It was a chapel back then. These murals were an offering from one of the POW who survived malaria. He was quoted as saying that the beautiful hymns he heard while he was fighting malaria brought him back to life. To thank God, and the church that nursed him back to life, he stole paint from billard chalks and the shipyard to start work on his murals. He was too weak to paint - he had to have a fellow POW support him, and took a rest for every 15min that he painted.
Beautiful and sad stories were reminisced by the photographs and articles. Dark humour exude from the caricatures, showing us that even in the dimmest point of one's life, there sld always be a ray of hope and a time for humour :) Due to the time constriant, I did not have time to complete every display while I was there. I hope to go back soon to have a second tour again ;)
The musuem showcases a large number of caricatures, photographs and murals. They were the works of the American and Australian POWs who resided there during WWII. One particular mural sketched by a POW caught my attention. It was titled: "2 malaria with a cholera" - it was a picture of 2 POWs who contracted malaria, and cld hardly walk themselves, supporting a fellow cholera-strickened POW back to the bunk. The living conditions were very harsh, the POWs were not given proper meals and medication, and were made to work even when they were sick. As a result, thousands of them died before they can witness the end of war.
Tools, trinklets and make-shift clothings/shoes from those days were on display. Small notes left behind by the loved ones of the POWs, or even the POWs themselves were thumb-tacked to the walls. An adjacent room had 5 wonderful colored murals painted on it's walls. It was a chapel back then. These murals were an offering from one of the POW who survived malaria. He was quoted as saying that the beautiful hymns he heard while he was fighting malaria brought him back to life. To thank God, and the church that nursed him back to life, he stole paint from billard chalks and the shipyard to start work on his murals. He was too weak to paint - he had to have a fellow POW support him, and took a rest for every 15min that he painted.
Beautiful and sad stories were reminisced by the photographs and articles. Dark humour exude from the caricatures, showing us that even in the dimmest point of one's life, there sld always be a ray of hope and a time for humour :) Due to the time constriant, I did not have time to complete every display while I was there. I hope to go back soon to have a second tour again ;)
Thursday, January 13, 2005
Think Tank
What's with the English language in Singapore? Have people become so used to using Singlish that when I type in proper English, they start to misinterpret me? Maybe it's my fat fingers that did the walking. Or that I am just grouchy, I have almost wasted my whole off day on sleep, less off the time I brought my mum to the doc, packing my wardrobe, partitioning my PC and having a not-so pleasant dinner with friends.
Why do girls expect so much out of their friendship with me? Why do they scream their heads off at me when I am late? Why do they mind if I were to be a lil insensitive towards them? Does it mean that I am different therefore I should be more sensitive and make up for what their boyfriends or to-be boyfriends are not? I honestly don't see what the big fuss is about. Almost a decade ago, I lost a friend who claimed that I wasn't acting like how a friend should act. I retorted, asking why she was acting like a jealous girlfriend. Big mistake. She released a string of expletives at me before slamming the phone down on me. Since then, I have never heard from her. A decade later, in the month of Dec, I ran into her at an escalator. She's now a proud and practicing lawyer (now, that explains the expletives). Anyhow, we kissed (figuratively, not literally) and made up. In fact, we did not even mention anything unpleasant that happened in our yesteryears. We simply caught up like long-lost old friends. Somehow, underlying things have changed. What has? Well, we certainly have lost our innocence to time. She practicises law, cynicism, and patronism. =P I guess the lure of the great greenbacks in the legal world has caused her to slog like a cow. Not exactly a money-grubber, but definitely proud of the fact that she's in a league of her own. We exchanged contacts, and as usual, promised to catch up.
I do not wish to perform expletives-exchange sessions with my lady friends anymore. The best that I can give to them is to be a good friend, i.e. a friend in need. Do not ask for more, coz I love myself too much. No more "acting like jealous girlfriends" please. We are no longer sweet 16. And we may not have a decade to wait to patch up again.
Why do girls expect so much out of their friendship with me? Why do they scream their heads off at me when I am late? Why do they mind if I were to be a lil insensitive towards them? Does it mean that I am different therefore I should be more sensitive and make up for what their boyfriends or to-be boyfriends are not? I honestly don't see what the big fuss is about. Almost a decade ago, I lost a friend who claimed that I wasn't acting like how a friend should act. I retorted, asking why she was acting like a jealous girlfriend. Big mistake. She released a string of expletives at me before slamming the phone down on me. Since then, I have never heard from her. A decade later, in the month of Dec, I ran into her at an escalator. She's now a proud and practicing lawyer (now, that explains the expletives). Anyhow, we kissed (figuratively, not literally) and made up. In fact, we did not even mention anything unpleasant that happened in our yesteryears. We simply caught up like long-lost old friends. Somehow, underlying things have changed. What has? Well, we certainly have lost our innocence to time. She practicises law, cynicism, and patronism. =P I guess the lure of the great greenbacks in the legal world has caused her to slog like a cow. Not exactly a money-grubber, but definitely proud of the fact that she's in a league of her own. We exchanged contacts, and as usual, promised to catch up.
I do not wish to perform expletives-exchange sessions with my lady friends anymore. The best that I can give to them is to be a good friend, i.e. a friend in need. Do not ask for more, coz I love myself too much. No more "acting like jealous girlfriends" please. We are no longer sweet 16. And we may not have a decade to wait to patch up again.
Sunday, January 09, 2005
The belated mourning of my death
It is widely acknowledged that humans err, and seldom learn from their mistakes. I had a blog started in the name of love, for me, some time last year by my ex gf. The blog depicts many of the downs in the r/s. The blog reeked of darkness, soreness, and bitterness. Maintained by a girl who was haunted by the past, and now, the past again. Someone who did not know how to love a person solely. Someone who cld live two lives loving two ppl. I was informed that it officially closed today. It was a tribute to me. And this was the last entry:
___________________________________________________________
1.9.2005 // My last entry in your memory Posted at 1:13 AM
For the first time, i wore the necklace you got me from Xcessories. Shiny and glitzy, for me during my hippy period. A present i got when i came back from Shanghai.. When the shadow was only just beginning to cast upon us; only God knows what would was laid out in the next mths to follow til this moment. It laid in my accessories box for ever since. Has it been 7mths now? I probably played with it but never could find myself wearing it out. It just looked more comfortable away from sight. I didn't want to be reminded of you. I haven't seen you ever since i don't know how long. I don't really want to recollect the events, they still feel fresh. I just know it's been quite a while now. Sometimes i really wonder how you have been. But i'm glad i don't know.. I want to know, yet at the same time i think that i'm afraid to know. I'm afraid to know what you might say. I'm afraid of you. I'm just very afraid. I've already given up asking all the whys & hows. I don't want to seek an explanation or even talk things through. I can't bear to hear anymore about what you have to say especially how bad you think about me. It's too painful to know so i rather just leave it at that. Although sometimes i can't help but wonder what would have been. Still, like i always believe.. Everything happens for a reason. It may not be clear but some day, i believe i'll know what it is, i hope. I'm just sure that in these months that what have been apart, there were things we managed to do & accomplished that might not have been possible had we still been together. It's good & bad i guess.. I guess we just very much a couple in love, in our very own world. Occasionally i would see a person who resembles you & all a sudden, it would feel like my heart stops beating & i feel short of breath. Then as suddenly as it happend, starts thrombing down on me like an earthquake. I'm excited yet really fearful at the same time.. I'm happy to see you yet really afraid of how you would react towards me at the same time; or that you would even see me there. And you do know that, at some angles many guys do resemble you.. So i can these scares on quite a regular basis. Though i must say that to date, i'm still not numb towards them. I started this blog when i was still with you & i just feel that it's time i ended this blog along with this name that i wouldn't use to sign off any of my paintings ever again. Not that i've painted since then. The memory cues that they bring back are just too clear for comfort. What better way to end off this blog but a tribute to you? To someone, to a familiar stranger.. Someone who was dear, Someone who was near. Now, someone who only brings about fear. A unexpected acquaintance. Led to unpredicted confidence. A chance meeting. A shy greeting. A surprising beginning. A shocking ending. So immense and deep. Thus, the plunge was steep. My sole lover. My dear friend. Together, like beavers. For each other, we would defend. My IT support. When my lack of knowledge confuses & distorts. Your intellect. Many ways, we interact. Many conflicts. Clearly depicts. Still we persists. Without, we resist. You were all that i knew. Outside of you, i knew few. The initial loss. Left me drown in moss. I was left disabled. How was i to single-handedly enable? I was left handicapped. What help could i have tapped. Beside me while i painted. Beside me while i slept. Beside me while i cried. Beside me while i wept. I could go on writing but i think i'll stop here. I've got to stop somewhere. I don't want to recap further. I don't want to speak anymore.. Sometimes, just sometimes.. I really do miss you. Wherever you are, and whatever you are doing. I hope you are well.. I wish you all the best. With this, i bid this blog farewell. It's time to close the curtains.
___________________________________________________________
I am thankful for this defunct r/s. Coz it reiterate the meaning of real love and sacriface. It showed me that ppl can live in deception just to make themselves feel alright for being the devil. It showed me that it's not easy finding someone who can commit to me, stand up for me, in the face of adversity. However, there is always a rainbow after the thunderstorm. I have found my rainbow. Though we have not been together for what most ppl wld call a long time, and we are not the closest and stickest of couples, we have found our niche with one another. It has been a wonderful and joyous journey. I am thanking my lucky stars now ;)
___________________________________________________________
1.9.2005 // My last entry in your memory Posted at 1:13 AM
For the first time, i wore the necklace you got me from Xcessories. Shiny and glitzy, for me during my hippy period. A present i got when i came back from Shanghai.. When the shadow was only just beginning to cast upon us; only God knows what would was laid out in the next mths to follow til this moment. It laid in my accessories box for ever since. Has it been 7mths now? I probably played with it but never could find myself wearing it out. It just looked more comfortable away from sight. I didn't want to be reminded of you. I haven't seen you ever since i don't know how long. I don't really want to recollect the events, they still feel fresh. I just know it's been quite a while now. Sometimes i really wonder how you have been. But i'm glad i don't know.. I want to know, yet at the same time i think that i'm afraid to know. I'm afraid to know what you might say. I'm afraid of you. I'm just very afraid. I've already given up asking all the whys & hows. I don't want to seek an explanation or even talk things through. I can't bear to hear anymore about what you have to say especially how bad you think about me. It's too painful to know so i rather just leave it at that. Although sometimes i can't help but wonder what would have been. Still, like i always believe.. Everything happens for a reason. It may not be clear but some day, i believe i'll know what it is, i hope. I'm just sure that in these months that what have been apart, there were things we managed to do & accomplished that might not have been possible had we still been together. It's good & bad i guess.. I guess we just very much a couple in love, in our very own world. Occasionally i would see a person who resembles you & all a sudden, it would feel like my heart stops beating & i feel short of breath. Then as suddenly as it happend, starts thrombing down on me like an earthquake. I'm excited yet really fearful at the same time.. I'm happy to see you yet really afraid of how you would react towards me at the same time; or that you would even see me there. And you do know that, at some angles many guys do resemble you.. So i can these scares on quite a regular basis. Though i must say that to date, i'm still not numb towards them. I started this blog when i was still with you & i just feel that it's time i ended this blog along with this name that i wouldn't use to sign off any of my paintings ever again. Not that i've painted since then. The memory cues that they bring back are just too clear for comfort. What better way to end off this blog but a tribute to you? To someone, to a familiar stranger.. Someone who was dear, Someone who was near. Now, someone who only brings about fear. A unexpected acquaintance. Led to unpredicted confidence. A chance meeting. A shy greeting. A surprising beginning. A shocking ending. So immense and deep. Thus, the plunge was steep. My sole lover. My dear friend. Together, like beavers. For each other, we would defend. My IT support. When my lack of knowledge confuses & distorts. Your intellect. Many ways, we interact. Many conflicts. Clearly depicts. Still we persists. Without, we resist. You were all that i knew. Outside of you, i knew few. The initial loss. Left me drown in moss. I was left disabled. How was i to single-handedly enable? I was left handicapped. What help could i have tapped. Beside me while i painted. Beside me while i slept. Beside me while i cried. Beside me while i wept. I could go on writing but i think i'll stop here. I've got to stop somewhere. I don't want to recap further. I don't want to speak anymore.. Sometimes, just sometimes.. I really do miss you. Wherever you are, and whatever you are doing. I hope you are well.. I wish you all the best. With this, i bid this blog farewell. It's time to close the curtains.
___________________________________________________________
I am thankful for this defunct r/s. Coz it reiterate the meaning of real love and sacriface. It showed me that ppl can live in deception just to make themselves feel alright for being the devil. It showed me that it's not easy finding someone who can commit to me, stand up for me, in the face of adversity. However, there is always a rainbow after the thunderstorm. I have found my rainbow. Though we have not been together for what most ppl wld call a long time, and we are not the closest and stickest of couples, we have found our niche with one another. It has been a wonderful and joyous journey. I am thanking my lucky stars now ;)
Sunday, January 02, 2005
New Blue Year
I have always wanted a perfect world for myself. Peaceful, prosperous, and the ability to grow old with my loved one. Blue told Wesley that she would have to leave him coz she dun wanna see another of her loved one die before her. I think this is unanimous with most human beings. I would not want to see my loved one die before me. I would want to grow old and die with her. If not, to die before her.
In light of the tsunami catastrophe, even the most hateful things in life become minute. My heart goes out to them. Esp after seeing how survivors lose their sanity as they witness their homeland, family members and livelihood get devastated over a day. If I were them, I don't know if I would have the strength to carry on living. I guess they do not have a choice either. After all, most people resign to their fates. One fishing village in Thai is termed the "widow village", as most of their husbands are killed at work. What will then become of them? How are they going to earn their keep? Will they survive the impending wave of epidemic and cholera? Will they turn sex workers or beggars just so to stay alive? Then again, after experiencing such a horrendous event, anyone would become numb. I don't think that the repute of their occupation would come into question. No wonder the reporters say that the victims are luckier than the survivors.
I emphatise with the survivors, wishing that such a day will never, ever, befall me. When I see the hurt or hear the wails of the survivors, my selfishness, jealousy, envy, greed will dissolve into nothingness. How long can this godliness last in me, in humanity, before life goes back to normal, and the terrorism of reality hits us again? I believe, time will heal all hurt, seal all wounds. Just as it was with 9-11, we will mourn the loss, cry our tears - but the planets will still revolve around the Sun without fail. I will grow a year older, and still be prone to calamity as it is with any fellow earthlings.
Happy birthday, earth. I just hope for a smoother, and better year for myself, and my loved ones. Nothing more, nothing less.
In light of the tsunami catastrophe, even the most hateful things in life become minute. My heart goes out to them. Esp after seeing how survivors lose their sanity as they witness their homeland, family members and livelihood get devastated over a day. If I were them, I don't know if I would have the strength to carry on living. I guess they do not have a choice either. After all, most people resign to their fates. One fishing village in Thai is termed the "widow village", as most of their husbands are killed at work. What will then become of them? How are they going to earn their keep? Will they survive the impending wave of epidemic and cholera? Will they turn sex workers or beggars just so to stay alive? Then again, after experiencing such a horrendous event, anyone would become numb. I don't think that the repute of their occupation would come into question. No wonder the reporters say that the victims are luckier than the survivors.
I emphatise with the survivors, wishing that such a day will never, ever, befall me. When I see the hurt or hear the wails of the survivors, my selfishness, jealousy, envy, greed will dissolve into nothingness. How long can this godliness last in me, in humanity, before life goes back to normal, and the terrorism of reality hits us again? I believe, time will heal all hurt, seal all wounds. Just as it was with 9-11, we will mourn the loss, cry our tears - but the planets will still revolve around the Sun without fail. I will grow a year older, and still be prone to calamity as it is with any fellow earthlings.
Happy birthday, earth. I just hope for a smoother, and better year for myself, and my loved ones. Nothing more, nothing less.
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