starting over

i did not have difficulty walking from my desk on the last day. what's to remember...to feel good about has all been let go of. a complete loss - ground zero. in fact, looking past the emptiness, i'm glad i could say that i tried to stay long enough to see through the changes. i can only give thanks to You that knowing this was coming, You opened a door for me. Although i don't know what's ahead, starting anew, i know that i'm in Your hands and must have faith that in each place You put me in, there's something new to learn and walk away with. i must say that being here, i didn't just learn excel (not!) :P; the soft skills and ability to not flinch or wince at drastic and horrifying changes are some things that came away with me. for better or worse (hopefully the former) ;)

A tribute to Love

When the accident happened, my reaction was pretty unexpected. It was the most serious accident in my life thus far...and what I worried about was not whether my hand or leg was broken. The adrenalin rush allowed me to react instantly to check on my family.

I knew I would be incapacitated for a while, but I didn't anticipate the actual frustration. I try hard to keep my anger in check, try hard to stop asking myself why didn't I take the wheel instead??

Regardless, when I'm asked frequently by friends on whether I'm getting used to it...I shrug and say "Oh well". I have been teased and my situation likened to going to the battleground. Being in this situation, I get to see many Singaporens' true colors. Fact is, I'm tired.

Putting things into perspective, I have simply been very blessed and luck just ran out for a split second.

As one goes through near life-or-death experiences, one would come to certain realisations. Things that one used to hold dear no longer matters, things that one used to think nothing of...suddenly shines brightly like a bulb in a dark tunnel.

Love, Kindness, Empathy, Patience, Compassion...all these traits are very very rare...but defintely not missing in this wretched world.

This Valentine's day, I will share stories of a different kind - "Sibling Love"

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*Train ride 1*

The girl often argues with her younger sister over differences. Many times, the girl gripes about how her younger sister is never appreciative. The girl having been through her fair share of misery and hurt, feels misunderstood.

One day, her younger sister was ridiculed by someone and she burst into tears on the train. Almost immediately, the girl's heart softened...and she cast away all grudges held against her sister. She walked across an almost empty train to where her sister was, held her in her arms...and hushed her tears away.

This - demonstrates that Love dissolves all things negative.

This is Love.

*Train ride 2*

Both girls had been deliquents at some stage of their life. Having grew up in a seemingly uncaring family, the girls are now finally old enough to start earning their own keep.

The older and younger sister each took one side of the earphone, listening to Top 40s. The older sister was busy folding stars out of a paper bag (for Valentine's day), and her younger sister nodded off to the train's rhythm halfway through texting.

As the younger sister gave in to the pull of slumber, her head began to bend in an awkward angle. Her older sister, worrying her sister will wake with a neckache, stopped folding stars for a minute...gently tilted her head backwards, and then sideways onto her petite shoulder.

This - although a simple gesture, is very heart-warming.

This is Love.
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Some of us are born into the situations we are in, while others have a choice.

If you don't make a choice, the choice will make you.

Love, in the midst of all anger and hatred may pale...but with Time, it shines brighter than the Sun.

of fears and...oh well, fears

recently, I've come to realise that my fears of saying goodbye (Ref: 06 entry on "Saying Goodbye") have escalated into fears of abandonment.

well, I guess I won't say it's a recent realisation since I've kinda known that I've been afraid of being cut off, or orphaned by my near and dear all along. what I didn't know was the severity or degree of my fear.

H pointed out to me - you know, your fear of abandonment ties in with not knowing how to manage loss and to let go. And this is something that unfortunately you will have to experience to learn. I know H learnt it the hard way...so it's fair for her to say that.

However, I just have to admit that while I know the theoretics...I still get bad dreams all the time.

I've shared the same to either N or SL (I can't rem which)...and likewise, I was told this is an issue.

SIGH. I don't have an inkling of what I can do for now. I guess I'll just have to muddle along and see what happens.

random annual birthday

it's ren ri today, and time for family time.

in past years, by ren yi, i would have tossed the chinese salad upteempth times. this year, i think the count stands at a low 3.

On this day, our birthday, Empress Dowager's mental power appears to be slipping. When I came out of the bedroom, she remarked: "I haven't seen this pair of berms before, is it new?" (It's not)

When women in my life start asking questions of this nature, it's either their attention span is sliding...or I really have a lot of berms (I don't).

Her next remark was even more baffling...directed at the taiwanese serial she was watching, she said: "不要人家就算了吧, 为什么还要欺负人?" -_-"

Walking past with an unstable gait, my Dad shook his head and smiled.

- To a certain degree, this is the general theme that H is increasingly alluding to: this is part and parcel of life. -

In the good old days, where cookies were crunchy sweet baked dough we could chew on, I would not have to battle mysterious cookies on my lappie.

Can I throw a few rock-hard cookies at my lappie?!?

kindness in adversity

"Goodbye Elizabeth. Goodbye my love, goodbye my friend. My pain. My joy. Goodbye.”
— Matt King

An imperfectly perfect example of what love encompasses... :) Matt inspiringly muddles through the thick of things, but mostly with touching compassion as he is being thrown life's curveballs all at the same time. You'll be surprised what you are capable of forgiving only when you are thrown into the situation.

Shailene Woodley rocks! This new girl on the block is not just a pretty face - diagnosed with scoliosis at the age of 15, she's come a long way :p

gracias a Dios

dear Father, thank You.

Although I know what I'm told may not be the truth (given Batman's penchant for flowery words - ref: previous entry on flowery words dispensed), there should be a certain truth to it.

I know from examples of Fatboy and Ah Beng that where You allow flowery half-truths, you would have ascertained that they serve to enable and not disable me.

I will grit my teeth and walk my blueprint and learn to live and let live.

drew and chances

-don't write me off (revised)-

It's never been easy for me
To find words to go along with a melody
But this time there's actually something, on my mind
So please forgive these few brief awkward lines

Since I met you, my whole life has changed
It's not just my office hours you've rearranged
I was living in my world, but somehow you've brought me back
And I haven't felt like this since Frankie sang "relax"

And while I know, based on my track record,
I might not seem like the safest bet
All I'm asking you is don't write me off, just yet

For years I've been telling myself the same old story
That I'm happy to live off my so-called former memories
But you've given me a reason to take another chance
Now I need you, despite the fact that you've killed all my pride

And though I know, I've already blown more chances
Than anyone should ever get
All I'm asking you is don't write me off, just yet
Don't write me off just yet...

drive home

Drive home tuned into 95 one day...

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart

great lengths to ask for directions

I was walking through the link way just the other day...and texting on my phone, when I heard a loud "Excuse me!". I continued on...since there was no one in my way or me in anyone's way. Almost immediately, an angmoh lady appeared in my path shouting: "Excuse me!!!".

So I looked at her squarely and went: "Yes????"

She asked: "Do you know which way it is to S*? Should I be taking the train or?"

WTF?? It was the peak hour and I'm not the only person walking through the link way. Besides, I appeared and really was occupied!!!

I should be crowned this century's most-approached person for directions.

The irony of it all??? I'm a walking directionless idiot. :p

the real mccoy

"It's easy to love the idea of u, but to love the real deal. ..lock, stock and barrel. .."

Loving a person for who he / she really is.

-Seen and overheard-