My regrets III

The forbidden fruit is always very tempting. But few would really fight for it. I did once, and it was bittersweet, and very heart-wrenching.

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A friend came up to me one day and called you a haughty bitch. That was the first time I set my eyes on you. Out of fun and boredom, I told her I would definitely make you fall for me.

The friend introduced you to me...and I started hanging around you, teasing you when you were on the phone, asking you out. You finally agreed to go out with me, and we went to a library. My mind was never once on the books while we were there. We ended up exploring other "sections" behind the shelves :p

We continued our illicit affair for about a month, and you dropped the bombshell one day. You told me you already have a boyfriend, and you felt really bad and guilty for the past month. You said it had been difficult for you and you have to break it off with the both of us. I was an impulse for you - an impulse that you will never forget.

I accepted the parting, and felt a loss that I didn't want to when I made that bet with my friend. Nevertheless, I moved on...to one of your juniors, and then subsequently to M*.

It was in the same year you left, when I caught chicken pox. I got so bored at home, I started calling you again. Most of the times you reject my calls, while for those you answered, you made me wait up to 3 hours on the second line. Sometimes, it's really disappointing to see that you are not reciprocrating like other girls would. But just a few times, when you blew hot, the fire kept me going. That year, you sent me a huge birthday card and 2 of your latest pictures. I started asking you out again.

Whenever we were out, I always had an urge to hold you in my arms, but most of the times I restrained myself. Once or twice, you did let me hold you. Out of the numerous times I asked you to be with me, never once did you agree. I struggled with myself for a long while, before I decided maybe it's time to let you go. I chose an egoistic way to do so. I told you about my r/s with M* over the phone.

You fell silent for close to half an hour. And when you finally spoke, your first words were, "you are two-timing me". That's when I knew you were mine. The first time I kissed you, you cried very hard. I was quite puzzled, and didn't know why...until much later, when a friend who didn't know you heard about our story, and told me that it was because you crossed a very big emotional hurdle for me.

Our first year together was the happiest. You spent time reforming me, coaching me in my studies, bringing me back on track and I realised my most dreamt-about dream - being with you. You were a very ambitious and independent girl, but towards me, you yielded and gave your all. You were very insecured about M*, about the fact that she was my classmate, and that we saw each other everyday. I tried with all my might to give you assurance. When M* finally left for Australia, I knew you were elated.

We were almost perfect. In our second year, you wanted more from me. More promises, more commitment. I gave them all, trusting that you only wanted the best for me, for us. You couldn't get along well with Empress Dowager, and I suffered quite a bit being sandwiched between you. Your lack of punctuality also started to antagonise me - I could wait up to 2 hours at your block for you. Nevertheless, we pressed on, hoping one day things would change, and I would also take on a different persona.

Late into our second year, you posed an odd question to me. "If I were to leave you someday, get married to someone else and bump into you say 10 years down the road, would you want me still?" I thought for a long while, and replied "Well, if you were to leave me to marry someone else, why would you still want me?" You said, "Most of the time, we don't marry the one we love" To that I replied, "I guess it depends on who I'm with at that point in time then..." I could see your disappointment in my answer. To please you, I agreed to go after you again. You made me promise to perserve and go after you again if you were to ever leave me. You also said that if we got together for a 3rd time, it would be forever.

In our last year together, more cracks appeared. You got more insecured, esp. with my girl friends. Whenever I went out with a girl, you would tag along. Your countinuous enemity with Empress Dowager caused me much distress as well. Your expectations of me to attain certain achievements by a certain age didn't help things either. You being late 9 out of 10 times when we met stretched my patience further. Eventually, I found solace in a childhood friend, E. I had an affair with her - and hid it from you. I didn't dote on you as much and got more impatient and less appreciative as time went by.

I never thought of leaving you. Partly coz you have sacrifaced a lot for me, and partly coz you have become a large part of me as I was of you. But I guess you saw through my growing coldness towards you, and the widening gap between us. On top of that, you encountered much peer pressure and our age gap wasn't helping. The last straw for you came on my 17th birthday. You stayed up and handmade a gift for me. I criticised it insensitively. You broke into tears and broke up with me. I didn't take it to heart since I thought it was one of your tantrum fits and we would be fine afterwards.

Unknowingly, that really was the end. When the fact finally hit home, I was devastated. I pleaded, apologised and tried various means to get you back. You stood firm and insisted that your heart has died. You wanted me to remain as a special friend by your side, as you couldn't bear losing me totally. You also said that I would always have a designated place in your heart, which you have locked up, and only I would have the key to unlock it.

I sillily remained by your side. Even after you got yourself another boyfriend 6 months later. Even when you cried as he didn't treat you as well as I did. Even when you went dating with him.

I patiently waited for you to change your mind, trying hard to retrieve our lost love day after day. I cried, I lied, I wrote, I tried everything I could just to fulfill my promise to you - to perserve and go after you again if you were to ever leave me. Nothing worked.

Finally, you told me to give up. You said you have changed, and you are no longer the W* I knew from yesteryears. You said that you would give up anything, just to have me forget the pain you caused me - even if it meant not beginning a r/s with me in the first place. That really broke my heart into pieces.

When we first parted, I bumped into you quite a bit - at Boat Quay, while I was with E* at Swensens, while I was rushing through the closing doors of the MRT at Orchard, at Isetan and the last time at Caltex House. You saw me on most of those occasions, but acknowledged me in none...maybe coz you were with your boyfriend most of the time. Oddly, as time went by, I stopped bumping into you. That helped me put you out of my mind.

I can't remember when I finally let you go. Things became too blurry during those days - I only remember writing some of my best poems. I dated many other girls, and even begun r/s with some, but things never worked out. It wasn't till I met J* that I realised I forgot how you looked, how you smelled, and how you sounded. That was 5 years later.

I'm thankful to you for bringing me back on track in my wayward years. I regret not being more appreciative while we were together. I guess it wasn't in my capacity and age to have been more than I was. I'm sorry W*, for having been a jerk, for not being appreciative. I wish you happiness.

My regrets II

At some point in time of our lives, we may do silly things just to make ourselves feel better. There was a time when I kept hitting a wall with W*. That was when I got involved with quite a few girls, and amongst them, M* left the deepest impression.

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I don't remember when I first noticed her. Basically, we were in 2 different worlds, she in her indo clique, while I hung out with my normal gin gang. Maybe it was her catchy laughter, or her curses in bahasa, or simply the way she shakes her devilish figure when she walks :p

One morning, I got cheeky with her in class. She gave me the finger and broke into laughter. We became unseparable for the next 9 mths.

We had our fair share of irresponsible fun - fooling around while others were in assembly, being put at the back of the queue coz of the streaks in her hair or my ultra tucked-out shirt, sneaking food into the lab sessions...

We couldn't really communicate, since she was not good in English, and I was not good in Bahasa...but we managed to get by somehow :p She showed me off to her friends, opened my eyes to her world, and shared with me her misery. I knew she got hurt when she was in Indo, I just didn't know how bad.

One day, she gave me a bottle of pot pourri, her name tag and a bahasa bible. She told me that before she met me, the bottle and bible were the dearest things to her. Her first love gave them to her, and he was also the one who hurt her the most. She then said that since she's with me now, she wanted me to have them, coz they no longer mattered to her. I was reluctant. After some persuasion from her, I took them in. It was also then I realised that things may not be as simple as having fun everyday.

When she went back to Indo during the vacation, I was pretty "good" :p I waited for her calls, and replied her letters. When she came back, we hung out almost everyday till the new school term.

Not long after, she told me that she may be leaving for Australia in the following year. We lightly explored the possibility of me going over as well - to which my conclusion was "not very possible" : She then brushed it aside, saying that it was just a possibility. Soon, she left for Indo again. This time, her letters lessened, and I did not wait for her calls. In fact, I went out with W*.

When she came back, I noticed a stark difference in her demeanour. It did not take her long to 'fess up. She slept with her first love while she was in Indo...and to top things off, the "hurt" she suffered were an affair (she being the betrayer) and an abortion. I felt my heart being wrenched, but at the same time I felt relief.

The next day, I returned her the Bahasa bible, the bottle of pot pourri - with her name tag broken into half stuffed into the bottle. She threw them into the trash can and never spoke to me again. I never told her about W*.

In the following 3 months, we stole glances at each other, and sillily "communicated" via other ppl. Unknown to others, I guess we never got over the "embarrasment and hurt" we caused each other. At the end of the year, she left Singapore without saying goodbye. I was too caught up with C*'s disappearance and W*'s re-appearance that I did not pursue her friendship.

I regret not pursuing her friendship. I'm sorry M*, for not being totally honest, and not saying goodbye. I wish I could hear your laughter again someday.

My regrets I

As the day draws nearer for me to age a year, I reminisce about my past. What's odd though, is that I seemed to have accumulated regrets with quite a few ppl. Some of them are still by my side, while most are long gone. I wonder if I will be able to bump into them someday, to give a smile, or to say sorry.

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It was a traumatic experience for me getting into secondary sch. Since I was different, the reactions I got from folks were either love or hate. There were not many who stayed around and remained neutral. Those who were are still my friends today.

Those who love me expressed it in various ways. I remembered distinctly about this girl who rushed all the way to the slope at the assembly hall just to catch a glimpse of me. And instead of saying hi when she saw me, she hurdled up with her friend at one corner and looked sheepish. She's a year older. At that moment, instead of feeling gleeful, I felt like Ah Meng :-S

Those who hate me expressed themselves in vicious ways. Some took it out on my books, others whispered poison.

I had a lot of ECAs then, since I was as decadent as every other youth (ok, maybe not you, reader :p), studies were not at the top of my list >:). It was in the guitar room that I met C*. We hit it off very well, and started hanging out almost everyday. When she learnt of what viciousness I was being put through by ppl who hate me, she literally created a huge storm in my classroom. From then on, I didn't look back. Rather, I didn't have to :P

It didn't take me long to realise that she carried some "weight" in school. Her decadence far surpasses mine :p In the following years, she became a big sister I did not have. We played traunt, hung out in arcades, hung out at the nostalgic cafe at the rundown shopping center, got involved in fights, got called to the principal's office (separately - they had to operate like CID when they dealt with us :D), etc. Whenever my arrogance or innocence got me into trouble, she was the first to stand in between me and what's brewing.

Once, a couple of "chantel thomas" ah lians were having a standoff with me and my "kg"s. When C* got wind of it, she came huffing and puffing, and literally spread her wings, commanded for me to go away, and got into a fight for me. It was not the first time, and definitely not the last.

Having heard of her terror, I guess most ppl would think of her as a huge lady with a big fist. On the contrary, she's a sweet lady. If she's not in a standoff, you would mistake her for a sweetie-pie next door. So, it didn't take me long to fall for her.

It was in the guitar room when I told her about how I felt. Of course, she threw a temper and chided me. Funny thing was, she never left me, and remained my big sister. Somehow, it didn't take me long to realise that I had more admiration for her than attraction to her. It was as if she already knew it would be a passing phase for me..haha.

Because of her appearance, indirectly, I enjoyed much "respect", had many "friends", had some flings and r/s, and indulged in irresponsible fun :D

Of course, it was not a bed of roses everyday. There were times when we were fraught with fear, faced disciplinary actions, and caused much heartaches to our loved ones.

3 years later, C* went missing. Even her parents did not know where she was. The school was looking for her, her enemies were looking for her, and I - was looking for her. It took me 6 months of fruitless search before she called me. Her first words were nonchalant, and told me that she would be going back to school. It was as though if the 6 months did not pass. She said she would look for me the next day. I was elated.

However, next day did not come. She never appeared, and she left school for good. I got so busy coping with the aftermath of her disappearance, getting called into the principal's office, and getting slapped by regulations, I forgo looking for her.

I regret not following up. Things would have been different if I had. Maybe she would still be my big sister today, in a matured way. Nevertheless, those good years cannot be bought with money, and I do not regret knowing C*.

I'm sorry C*, I wish I could see you again someday.