My regrets II

At some point in time of our lives, we may do silly things just to make ourselves feel better. There was a time when I kept hitting a wall with W*. That was when I got involved with quite a few girls, and amongst them, M* left the deepest impression.

__________________________________________________________

I don't remember when I first noticed her. Basically, we were in 2 different worlds, she in her indo clique, while I hung out with my normal gin gang. Maybe it was her catchy laughter, or her curses in bahasa, or simply the way she shakes her devilish figure when she walks :p

One morning, I got cheeky with her in class. She gave me the finger and broke into laughter. We became unseparable for the next 9 mths.

We had our fair share of irresponsible fun - fooling around while others were in assembly, being put at the back of the queue coz of the streaks in her hair or my ultra tucked-out shirt, sneaking food into the lab sessions...

We couldn't really communicate, since she was not good in English, and I was not good in Bahasa...but we managed to get by somehow :p She showed me off to her friends, opened my eyes to her world, and shared with me her misery. I knew she got hurt when she was in Indo, I just didn't know how bad.

One day, she gave me a bottle of pot pourri, her name tag and a bahasa bible. She told me that before she met me, the bottle and bible were the dearest things to her. Her first love gave them to her, and he was also the one who hurt her the most. She then said that since she's with me now, she wanted me to have them, coz they no longer mattered to her. I was reluctant. After some persuasion from her, I took them in. It was also then I realised that things may not be as simple as having fun everyday.

When she went back to Indo during the vacation, I was pretty "good" :p I waited for her calls, and replied her letters. When she came back, we hung out almost everyday till the new school term.

Not long after, she told me that she may be leaving for Australia in the following year. We lightly explored the possibility of me going over as well - to which my conclusion was "not very possible" : She then brushed it aside, saying that it was just a possibility. Soon, she left for Indo again. This time, her letters lessened, and I did not wait for her calls. In fact, I went out with W*.

When she came back, I noticed a stark difference in her demeanour. It did not take her long to 'fess up. She slept with her first love while she was in Indo...and to top things off, the "hurt" she suffered were an affair (she being the betrayer) and an abortion. I felt my heart being wrenched, but at the same time I felt relief.

The next day, I returned her the Bahasa bible, the bottle of pot pourri - with her name tag broken into half stuffed into the bottle. She threw them into the trash can and never spoke to me again. I never told her about W*.

In the following 3 months, we stole glances at each other, and sillily "communicated" via other ppl. Unknown to others, I guess we never got over the "embarrasment and hurt" we caused each other. At the end of the year, she left Singapore without saying goodbye. I was too caught up with C*'s disappearance and W*'s re-appearance that I did not pursue her friendship.

I regret not pursuing her friendship. I'm sorry M*, for not being totally honest, and not saying goodbye. I wish I could hear your laughter again someday.